


Monster (and pumpkin) mash

by flightyrock



Series: Happy Steve Bingo 2018 [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Agriculture, Cheering up Steve, Cute, Guilt, Happy Steve Bingo, Humor, LITERALLY, Pizza, Property Damage, Pumpkins, Steve Rogers being a little shit, Swearing, Team Bonding, Things get messy, True Facts, and they help her clean up, don't worry y'all, fall - Freeform, first day of fall, giant alien worms, goo, graphic depictions of smashed pumpkins, pumpkin violence, standard steve angst, the farmer gets paid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 02:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16108892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightyrock/pseuds/flightyrock
Summary: Sometimes Steve just needs some good clean fun to get him out of his overworked head for a bit.  This time, his teammates embrace the challenge with violent, season-appropriate enthusiasm.  Hopefully it will wash out…Happy (late) First Day of Fall!





	Monster (and pumpkin) mash

**Author's Note:**

> I originally intended to release this on the first day of fall. But then life happened, you know the drill.
> 
> This is not serious in the slightest. In fact, this is pretty darn crackish. I used this to practice writing battle scenes, because I need to nail that down for a certain big bang fic I'm working on. So if anyone has any feedback about anything, it would be much appreciated!
> 
> Hope you have as much fun reading this silly thing it as I did writing it!
> 
> A great big thank you to odetteandodile (ao3) for the encouragement! I was second-guessing my execution, and this definitely would not be finished right now without you!
> 
> Unbeta'd, bc I'm lazy. Written to fill the prompt "Pumpkins" for Happy Steve Bingo.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

A hell-screech rang out over the pumpkin field.  The emotion was unclear, but the sentiment was _crystal_.

“Oh my God,” Peter moaned, trying to run his fingers anxiously through his hair, but they slipped off the slick surface of his mask.  He laced his fingers behind his neck instead.  “She’s gonna kill us!”

Steve couldn’t help but agree, wincing as he assessed the damage.  It had to span at least an acre.

Maybe Steve’s enhanced eyesight was playing tricks on him, but somehow, he didn’t think so.  Something about the look of the produce was just…off.

“My pumpkins!” Farmer Isa wailed, sprinting over to the field where the Avengers stood around their defeated foe in the customary awkward post-battle semi-circle.

Without pausing, she dropped onto the ground and slid to a group of gourds, frantically running a hand over the surface of a particularly round one. 

Well, it was probably round at some point.  Even from this distance, Steve could tell it had started to, well, _sag._

The entire group inhaled involuntarily in horror when her hand sunk right into it with a sick squelching noise.

She paused, removed her hand, and calmly got to her feet.

“She” being the good farmer herself, whose face was rapidly turning an alarming shade of puce as she marched her five-foot-nothing frame over to the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes with murder in her eyes.

Oh boy.

Peter might just have to add “clairvoyance” to his list of abilities at this rate.

 

~~~

 

Just two hours ago, Steve had been sketching peacefully in the common room, and now he wished he had never left.  Natasha and Clint were out on a mission, and Bruce was probably in the lab with Tony and Peter.  Peter was visiting Tony, like he did most weekends, and Thor was visiting the kitchen, presumably to get his bi-weekly Pop-tarts fix.

The demigod peeked a curious head around the corner when Steve’s “business” phone rang, absently brushing at the crumbs of glaze lodged into his beard as he walked over to eavesdrop.  Turns out it was Coulson, dryly requesting their assistance in dealing with a “pest problem.” 

 

 

Steve supposed that was one way to describe a worm a story tall and fifty feet long that destroyed acres of farmland at a time as it oozed along.

The Avengers (and Peter, because Tony hadn’t wanted to leave him unsupervised) had barely pretended to ask permission from Farmer Isa before they barreled into her pumpkin field, inevitably tripping over and crushing the small orange orbs in their rush to confront the beast.

(Thor had stayed behind to placate the “honorable seed-sower,” and convince her not to join the fray with the shotgun behind the barn her hand kept twitching towards.)

Steve stumbled over the damn pumpkins as he pulled the shield off his back, then flung it at the creature experimentally.

It sunk into pale, slimy flesh, lodged right where the eyes would be if it had any.

Otherwise, it did nothing.  The thing didn’t even flinch, just kept oozing along.

 

Damn.

This was going to be harder than he originally thought.

Steve heaved a long-suffering sigh as he activated the electro-magnet in his gauntlet, recalling the shield.  It squelched free, and Steve was grateful to be wearing gloves as he skillfully caught the slick weapon.

“Anyone have any ideas?” he called, but Iron Man was already flying over the blob as Spiderman gaped, firing his repulsors in a line where it’s spine would be, if it had one.

Steam furled off the surface, a sick burning smell filling the air.  Steve almost gagged. 

Tony flipped around for another pass.

Then the worm _reared_ , bracing itself of the lower third of its body and throwing its flailing head around sporadically.

It clipped Iron Man, smacking him brutally into the ground.

“Don’t worry Mr. Stark, I’ve got this!”

 

Steve raised hand and voice in protest, but it was too late.

“Wait, Peter—“

Spiderman shot a web, but it slipped right off the slimy surface.

“I don’t got this!  Eeep!” He back-flipped out of range as it flailed his way.

Then the kid covered his ears as the Hulk roared into existence, jumping over Iron Man and onto the slimy thing’s back, punching all the while. 

Thor must have finally made his escape, because he offered Spiderman a hand up, and the men came to stand beside Steve as he watched the shit show unfold.

The worm reared again.  The Hulk’s fists weren’t having much effect, sinking into its gelatinous surface.

 

But it was an excellent distraction, and Iron Man quickly got back in the air.  “Running diagnostics now,” he circled around the thing.

“Don’t you think you should have led with that?” Steve asked dryly.

“I don’t want to hear it, Mr. World’s Most Expensive Frisbee.” Stark pointed at him, then deftly dodged the flailing head.

 

“Can I help?” Peter asked eagerly over the comms.

“Not sure yet,” Iron Man hovered in place.  “FRIDAY, what’s the scoop?”

_“SHIELD intel designates it as a pest of the extra-dimensional variety,”_ the cool female voice of Tony’s AI relayed.  _“Composition is primarily liquid; its body is capable of absorbing large amounts of blunt force.”_

Everyone looked over to where the Hulk was still punching ineffectually roaring all the while.

“So hitting it’s not going to work,” Steve crossed his arms thoughtfully.  “Did the heat do anything?”

“Not much,” Tony admitted, landing beside the group.

They stared at the Hulk riding the otherworldly blob like the world’s ugliest bucking bronco.  However, regardless of the style, or more accurately, lack thereof, it was making steady progress as it oozed over the field, coating the produce in a thick layer of slime.  But it didn’t seem to pose any immediate threat.

 

“What’s it doing?” Steve scratched his nose absently.  Well, tried.  He ran into that stupid nose guard; the damn thing got him every time.  It just made the bridge of his nose so sweaty and itchy and he _hated it_.  Maybe he should just start going helmetless like most of the team…

“Looks like it’s secreting digestive juices,” Tony surmised, looking at readouts from the confines of his suit.  “It breaks down the organic stuff, then comes back later and absorbs it through its skin.”

“Like a Sundew!” Peter bounced up and down in place.  “Makes sense, since it doesn’t have a mouth.  I wonder what the rate of decay could be. It can’t be that fast because the pumpkins are all still there—“

“Good point,” Tony cut him off mid rant. 

“Uh, what?” Steve had no idea what they were talking about.  He exchanged a bemused glance with Thor.  Thor just shrugged.

“What’s a Sundew?” Steve asked.  Might as well start at the beginning.

“Carnivorous plant,” Peter explained.  “Oooo!  Remind me to show you guys that ‘True Facts’ video, have you seen it?  That guy’s a genius! ‘Like my mom used to say, if you need calcium, eat a milkman!’”

Steve was even more confused than before.  And mildly disturbed.

Thor just nodded sagely.

 

“Focus, kid!  Any ideas?” Tony barked, tensing as the Hulk was finally thrown from the worm’s back.

“It’s a bug, right?” Peter asked.  “I mean, a giant one, but still.  Why don’t we just…zap it?”

Steve assessed the worm’s progress.  Was it moving faster?  “Worth a shot.  Thor?”

“Say no more,” Thor grinned, striding forward, hammer in hand.  He started to spin it, circling his arm in wide circles, slowly, then faster.  “One thunderbolt coming up!”

On the next upswing, he heaved himself into the air, roaring “For Midgard!” as he fell towards the worm’s back, drawing the hammer above his head.

Then he brought it down with an almighty _crash_ and a blinding flash of light.

“Woah!” Peter shouted in admiration.

 

Steve hadn’t reopened his eyes yet, but he felt something thick and _wet_ splatter all over his front.  It didn’t take a genius to figure out what it might be.

“Ugh! Gross!” Peter groaned in disgust, and there was a nasty squelching sound.

Steve wiped his face, then cautiously reopened his eyes.

Peter was shaking himself, arms held far away from his body, dripping opaque, viscous fluid onto the ground.

So was Iron Man.  Steve was tempted to chuckle at their similar expressions of disgust.

You know.  If it wasn’t so gross. 

“Oh man,” Tony groaned.  “This is going to take forever to wash out.”

Steve scanned the field, which was decidedly wormless.  He sighed.

 

Thor stood over a smoking crater, dripping with goo (holy hell he did _not_ envy Thor his long hair at this point), eyes blown wide in surprise.

“Oops?” The demigod smiled sheepishly.

 

Hulk was wandering around like a lost puppy.  “Where big worm go?” he rumbled.

“It went boom, buddy,” Spiderman walked over to Hulk, miming an explosion with his hands.

‘Boom’ indeed.  The entire field was covered with a thick viscous slime that was softening the pumpkins on sight.

The entire crop was ruined.

Tony looked over the field himself, and must have come to the same conclusion.  “Well, shit.”

 

And that was when Farmer Isa let loose a hell-screech.

 

~~~

 

Farmer Isa advanced on the group, fury curling her fists.  By all rights, steam should be billowing out of her ears and flaring nostrils.

Steve braced himself for the fight of the day.  God, he hated this part of the job; trying to justify his actions to the people that were harmed by his good intentions.  Innocents that he worked tirelessly to save.  Sometimes he wished someone would save _him._

“Hold up, Spangles, I’ve got this.”

Steve gaped as the Iron Man suit opened and Tony stepped out, and shot the angry woman a charming grin.

“Now, I’m sure we can work this out.  How about we just step over here and we’ll discuss compensation…”

 

Steve let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, and removed his helmet so he could rub his eyes tiredly.  And, you know, finally scratch his nose.

He was so tired.  _So_ tired.  Down to his bones.

This “saving the day” thing was getting old.  It wasn’t the job itself; Steve lived to help those who couldn’t help themselves.  He loved restoring hope to those screwed over by bullies or terrorists or even just terrible luck.

No, what he was tired of was _this._ He glared the rotting pumpkins in disgust.  _This_.  The collateral damage.  All Isa’s hard work, the culmination of all the time and love and care she poured out day in and day out _destroyed_ because they, no, _he_ , had interfered.  It was easy to sit on his high horse, and justify his actions.  Point his finger at SHIELD.  Claim that this was better than letting the worm run free.  Better that one farmer’s crops were ruined than all.

So sorry.  Better luck next time.

It turned his stomach.

Isa had every reason to be upset; her crop was ruined.  Steve deserved every ounce of her anger.

 

“My apologies friends.  The fault is mine.” Thor grimaced.  “I did not realize my lightening would be quite so…effective.”

“But it was my idea,” Peter hung his head.  “Everything’s ruined; it’s my fault.”

“No, Thor, Peter, it was my call.” Steve chased his dark thoughts away, and offered his teammates a reassuring smile.  “The important thing is that the worm is gone.  Great work.  Both of you.”

Hulk stomped back over to the group, chuckling as he stepped from pumpkin to pumpkin, giggling as the gourds burst under his feet, like a child splashing in a mud puddle.  Steve massaged his temples. 

 

“Yes, yes, high-fives all around,” Tony snarked.

Steve jumped.  He hadn’t noticed Tony was back.

“Instead of playing the blame game, I have a very important question for you all.”

The billionaire paused for effect, looking from sober face to sober face, then quirked an eyebrow.

“What should we, the Avengers, and Underoos,” he added in afterthought, “do as the proud owners of several thousand rotting pumpkins?”

 

Hulk grinned, then picked up a handful of orange orbs.  Everyone stared at him.

“Smash!” he roared, hurling the mass straight at Thor.

 

It disintegrated on impact.  Surprise, slight offense, and orange goop covered the demigod’s face.

He calmly wiped the mess off, top to bottom, spitting out a few seeds, face impassive.

“So that is how you wish to play.”

 

Thor starting spinning his hammer, slowly, rolling his huge shoulder.  Then he changed the trajectory at the last second, making a scooping motion, which launched a wave of pumpkins towards Hulk…

 

_Thud! Squish! Splotch!_

Steve saw orange, and closed his eyes as he was splattered in the sour-smelling goop.  It wasn’t really a bad smell.  It kind of reminded him of the tang of autumn air, cool and bracing.

 

Hulk gingerly put him back down.

The atmosphere was tense; Steve looked over the array of shocked and guilty faces.

He snorted. 

Thor’s rueful face was still splattered in orange despite his best efforts.

Steve chuckled.

And Hulk with his hands behind his back and dragging a foot back and forth like a guilty child!

Steve erupted into a full belly laugh, bent backward as tears of mirth started to stream from his eyes.

Tony and Thor looked at him with concern, then Peter started to laugh as well, effectively cutting through the tension.

 

Hulk’s face split into a grin.

Which was promptly painted orange.

Steve smirked, then ran in the opposite direction.

Hulk roared, signaling the start of a new battle.

 

Steve sprinted a healthy distance away and began gathering ammunition.  Thor had a similar idea, and launched himself into the sky.

Hulk looked back and forth between them, torn between two targets, then roared and sprinted after Steve.

Steve came to a sudden stop and reversed directions, sliding under the Hulk’s legs, and taking potshots at the very large target presented by his ass.  Then the symbol of American Justice just sprinted away, cackling as Hulk roared in fury and kicked waves of orange goo at him, just missing the super soldier as he weaved his way through the field.

 

Tony, meanwhile, had quickly stepped back into the suit at the battle’s start.  That could have been one embarrassing concussion. He just shook his head in amazement at the spectacle at hand.

“The poor guy’s snapped.  Gone off his nut.  Damn, that looks like fun.”  So he grabbed a missile of his own, and looked up with a mischievous grin to secure his target.

 

_Wham!_

And was promptly nailed, right in the kisser.  He cleared his vision, just in time to see the kid look away, whistling innocently as he (unsuccessfully) hid a length of webbing behind his back.

Tony put a dramatic hand to his heart…well, arc-reactor, his look of utter betrayal obscured by his mask.

“Et tu, Underoos?”

Peter giggled, then froze in fear as Tony advanced.  He turned tail to run.

 

Too late.

Tony jumped into the air and used his boot repulsors to splatter the kid in orange.

The wave fell.  But where was the kid?

Tony looked around, then stumbled forward as something heavy hit his head from behind.

Peter laughed maniacally as he sprinted off to find his next victim.

 

Hulk was still having trouble getting a hit on Steve.  He threw handful after handful unsuccessfully, but caught a bunch in his chest every once in awhile.  He roared in confusion and frustration.  Everyone was much faster than Hulk, it was unfair!

Hulk decided he’d have a better time if he switched targets.

 

Thor, unnoticed by his compatriots, had dived to the earth to gather ammunition without issue.  Since the others had paired up, he was free to rain terror from above.  He cackled as he sowed confusion in the mortals below, wondering if this was what Loki felt like.

He hit got a few hits on the Man of Iron, and the Spider Child, and was just nailing down the Good Captain’s path of moment when he was rudely knocked from the sky.

 

Hulk roared with laughter as Thor faceplanted.  A look of alarm replaced it as Thor gave up on his dignity and double-fisted pumpkins, chasing after him on foot and roaring insults.

 

Tony was nothing if not an opportunist, and he handily switched targets, taking full advantage of the blond demigod’s distraction.

As was Steve, who took full advantage of Tony’s.

Thor abandoned his pursuit of the Green Giant to deal with the threat at hand, and the three came to a near standstill as they held each other up

 

At this sight, Peter decided an alliance might be in order. He paused, then held made eye contact with Hulk.  Hulk grinned at him.  Sweet!  They were on the same page.

Hulk just kept smiling as he covered Spiderman in orange goo, then bent to gather more.

“Hey!” The young hero cried, raising his hands in surrender.  “Truce!”

Hulk cocked his head at him, considering, then dumped his armful over Peter’s head.

Peter shook himself like a dog.  “Not cool, man,” he complained.  “I meant, why don’t we team up?  Together we’d be unstoppable!”

He barely leaped out of the way in time to avoid another barrage.  Hulk laughed at him, immense shoulders shaking with mirth.

Peter huffed, crossing his arms.  “Fine, be that way!”

Then he stumbled forward as he was hit from behind, and the Hulk just laughed harder.

“Payback, Kid!” Tony crowed, before pelting the Hulk with the rest of his cache as the big guy howled.

 

Steve and Thor faced off, the demigod succeeding where others failed in scoring hits.  In fact the two were pretty evenly matched.

 

It just went downhill from there.  Goo was flying.  More laughter accompanied the increasingly dramatic antics that were filling the field.

 

Tony took to the game with relish.  He set complex traps, and blasted other people’s pumpkins out of the air with a mimed yawn.  He also spent way too much time laughing at people who got walloped.  He got into a spectacular aerial battle with Thor, and everyone cheered when Thor was ultimately victorious.

Thor’s main competition was the Hulk, who seemed to target him above all others, shaking the ground with spectacular leaps in a bid to grab the blond Avenger.  When his fingers enclosed him victoriously, Thor only had time to ‘Eeep!’ before his face was being smeared in orange slime. 

But Thor didn’t fail to get him back; at one point, he leapt into the air, a rather large gourd clutched between his hands, and he brought it down with a rambling cry over Hulk’s head, obscuring his eyes.  Hulk blindly swatted at him in an attempt to dislodge him, flinging gourd guts everywhere.

Peter got some amazing stealth shots in on most of the members.  His absolute favorite was when he nailed Mr. Stark, then widened his white eye-lenses innocently and pointed at Cap, who was shielding himself from a barrage from the Hulk.  Then he laughed maniacally as Iron Man tackled Steve in misguided fury, and Hulk showered them both.

But, to absolutely no one’s surprise, it was Steve who dominated the field.  His superior strategy, desire to win, and willingness to play dirty gave him the edge over the other Avengers.  Plus, you know, he was the only one with a shield.  He’d use it to redirect fire, and aim straight for the face.  Every. Single. Time.

He was relentless.  And he was having the time of his life, laughing right along with everyone else, feeling lighter than he had in longer than he could remember.  Like maybe, for just a little while, he could forget how tired he was and just have _fun_.

 

An air horn blast shattered his train of thought, and the guys all turned around like the suckers they were to see Farmer Isa with the horn in one hand and a pumpkin in the other.

Which she promptly smashed in Steve’s face.

The others cheered, and Isa was officially drafted into the war.  She may have only been human, but she was brutal, refusing to shy away from taking fire.  She brought out a water balloon slingshot, instructing Peter on its usage as she braced it along with Steve to shoot at Tony as he flew overhead.  Isa slapped the young hero on the back when the armored billionaire dived to the ground for cover, cursing all the while.

“Language!” Steve shouted, to everyone’s delight.  Tony retaliated with a barrage of pumpkins.

Even Hulk laughed along, squishing handfuls of pumpkins over the sling operators’ heads.  Thor lifted Isa up so she could retaliate.

 

Eventually, everyone, even the superhumans, ran out of steam and they stood around, gasping for breath.  Hulk collapsed backwards onto the ground and drug his extended arms back and forth along the ground, cutting trails through the goop as his eyes closed.

A very confused half-naked Dr. Banner popped up less than a minute later, looking at his goo-splattered form in curiosity and mild disgust.

“Did we…win……what the hell am I laying in?”

 

A car horn drew everyone’s eye, and Isa grinned.

“Looks like the boys are home.  They’re going to be so darn jealous, when I tell them what I’ve been up to; I can’t wait.” She cackled, then fixed them with an iron stare.  “Wash up behind the barn over there, then join us on the porch.”

 

Steve and Tony exchanged wary glances, but did as they were told, with only minor shoving along the way. 

“Isa is _cool_ ,” Peter gushed to Tony, and Thor chuckled.  “She is indeed.”

 

When they made their way back to the porch, there were several dozen pizzas, pitchers of water and beer, and Isa’s family waiting for them.  There were even blankets to combat the late October chill and a shirt for Bruce.

“Come on, if you’re anything like the terrors, here,” the woman grinned and shook the shoulders of two teenaged boys, “you all have hollow legs.  Come, eat.  No, I don’t want to hear it,” she cut Steve’s fumbling protests off short.  “You’ve all had a long day.  Plus, I’ve come into a bit of money recently,” she winked at Tony, “so it’s my treat.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Steve smiled at her. She smacked him on the shoulder.  “Isa.”

“Isa,” Steve nodded, and sat down to a family dinner like no other, watching the sun set over the pumpkin field, mind full of contentment and heart full of warmth.

 

 

 

Bonus:

 

“Now who’s going to help me clean up this ridiculous mess?!”

**Author's Note:**

> In case you were wondering, everyone helped clean up. They were done by midnight. Isa apologized for keeping Spiderman past his bedtime, told them not to be strangers, and was pissed beyond belief when she found $500 under her pillow that night for various reasons, one being that she had no idea when anyone had the chance to deliver it. She ended up donating it to the local no-kill shelter, and leaving Tony the nastiest thank-you voice mail he's ever had the pleasure of receiving, which included lines like "I told you it was my treat you arrogant, tin-plated son of a bitch!" He was so touched, he had FRIDAY save a copy to his archives.
> 
> Link to the 'True Facts' video Peter was talking about (credit to zefrank1):  
> https://youtu.be/Hzk1bM2vVFU
> 
> In case this link is broken, it's 'True Facts: Carnivorous Plants'
> 
> This man is hilarious, I recommend you check his channel out! Warning for strong language/adult themes.
> 
>  
> 
> That's it for now! Thanks for reading, and as always, feel free to leave a comment down below or chat with me about the Avenger's hypothetical antics on tumblr @flightyrock. 
> 
> Hope to see you next time!
> 
> And Happy Fall!


End file.
